Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Keep your hands inside the ride at all times

Ive always been one to be entirely involved in the present. This avoids any actual contact or consideration for the future. Ive learned this allows you to appreciate what is going on presently without wasting precious time wondering where things are headed or as Heidegger says, possibilities. It is now that I realize there really is no avoiding the heidegerrian concept I learned about last semester. Our being is always comporting itself to time..we are constantly moving towards something. For me, I thought it would just be whatever I was doing that day or the upcoming weekend. But for the first time since, High School ::shudder:: I HAVE to concern myself with what is to come and due to my incredible ability to ignore it up until now, I have no idea how to handle this at all.

I have to take the GRE still and then apply to grad school. I am trying to pick some schools way far out of my reach where teachers have offered to assist in getting me into the program hopefully, and also schools that if I dont get into I must be a member of the Down Syndrome Kids of America because they are so easy. It is still frustrating as hell having to deal with that whole concept of "where am I going to go?" shit again. I hated it in 12th grade when I didnt even want to go to school and now I have to do it again.

Why is the future so much more frustrating than the present? I understand the whole wandering into the unknown and to a certain degree, a lack of control..but I dont think thats it, I think its more of a doubt issue that will morph into confidence once I pick a school..this is gonna be a bumpy ride