Tuesday, August 09, 2005

This Congress is now in session...

Lets pass some laws guys. Elle, you oughta have fun with this in that, dorky, but not dice rolling dorky, kind of way. The following are things that I think should be passed as laws:

1) Government spending should be allocated to the R & D of a kid tranquilizer dart. These darts are to be used only on kids and in public places. I don't mean rifle firing tranqs either. I mean simple painless tranquilizers. So if mom and dad go to the mall and their kid is running around screaming or pulling things off the shelf they can snag em, tranq em, and 1...2...3 peace. These tranqs need to be proven to have no lasting side effects or cause permanent damage, I do not believe in harming todays youth in that matter.

2) There needs to be a law that a family sits down with a "Family Lawyer" when a child reaches the age of 18. It is to set a precedence that the family members(ok just the parents let be honest) cannot start an argument, be loud, or be disruptive before a certain hour of the morning. This means no bitching about the job you arent even at yet before you leave the house so that your son can hear you through the wall thus showing no consideration for the fact that his train was delayed last night making him return home extremely late and resulting him being grumpy and tired. This is all hypothetical. Failure to agree on a time defaults to noon and penalty of breaking the law results in you doing your kids laundry and cleaning his room for a minimum of 6 months to 12 months first offense.

3) Any kind of device that is used to address the public or at least large groups must from now on be audible. This includes but is not limited to, stadium announcers, train engineers/conductors, workplace annoucements, high school announcements(man those were a waste), etc.. This means that pressing the button so that an entire subway hears *SCREEETTCCHHHHH CRACKLE CRACKLE* is not acceptible unless for some reason you needed to say those exact sounds.

4) Old people, asian people, and indian people must have a driving test given to them once every 3 yrs. This is to maintain safety on the road. I just care about everyone so much that I wouldnt want to see anything happen to them(stop laughing jerk).

5) The International Law of Tastey Pizza - Pizza is a fantastic food which is regaled for its amazing ability to satisfy everyone on the planet at some point or another. Outside of frozen pizza(because I wouldnt suggest anything other than French Bread if you go this route) there needs to be a "German Purity Law" of Pizza. Theres a law in Germany stating what ingredients are suitable for beer. This means Rolling Rock, natural ice, Piels, and Pabst amongst others would never be made in Germany. I say the United States Pizza Purity Law needs to be drafted. This would allow consumers to have worry free dialing of pizzerias, knowing they will get quality no matter what place they call, its been nice knowing you Dominoes and Papa Johns.

These are it for now, I am running on barely any sleep and I am grumpy. The hypothetical train that got hypothetically stopped for hypothetically allowing the tracks, which were smeared with human blood from the hypothetical idiot who got slaughtered by one earlier, to be cleaned *Takes breath* would have, if this had happened to me, caused me extreme amounts of sleepiness and I apologize for lack of wit, smiles, and intelligence on this fine tuesday.